If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean 'cause, hey
I'd like you anyway
Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free to say
that I was gay
(but I'm not gay)
The first time I heard those lyrics I was working at The (very prestigious) Hanover Theatre and Avenue Q was one of the touring shows for our Broadway series that year.
If you’ve never heard of Avenue Q, it was a sesame street styled - very adult humored show that included songs like - “The Internet is for Porn,” “Everyone is a Little Racist,” and who could forget the classic, “I’m Not Wearing Underwear Today?!” And then there was puppet sex. Real live humans, on stage in black leotards, with their hands in puppets bodies, simulating sex.
Swear to dog, look it up for yourself.
I don’t know that it holds up with time, but at the time it was a riot.
Anyways all this to say, this song plagues my mind every June - because I was the guy that told everyone it was OK to be gay, but refused to see their own queer identity.
And truth be told, bisexuality is confusing, especially to a little catholic kid - because I did like boys. I just also liked girls. And I thought if I prayed hard enough eventually I’d grow out of the girl liking part. And even if I didn’t, I still could do the hetro-normative relationship because it wasn’t like I didn't like men.
So I did the normal thing. I lived a normal little life. With a normal little house. And a normal little marriage. And I was fucking miserable. Not at first - of course I’ve lived a very privileged and #blessed life - but over time, hiding who you are is exhausting.
Not admitting to yourself, let alone others, that you’re attracted to more than just men, it’s death by a thousand little cuts to your soul. It’s drowning out those thoughts with music and podcasts and never letting your mind wander.
And I’d be lying if I said that was the only thing I was escaping thinking about. But it was a big one. And it wasn’t until mid 2020 that I decided it was safe to tell my therapist it was something I was struggling with. 32 years of denying a part of yourself - means a lifetime of reexamining who you actually are.
Not who society thinks you should be. Not what a holy man tells you is righteous and good. But who you actually are.
And not to ruin the ending of book, but I’m queer.
And for the first time I’m celebrating Pride Month as my own.
I am proud to be bisexual.
and frankly, god should have been stoked that I love everyone. It’s the straight folks are the ones really limiting themselves.
workshittt
This past weekend was our end of the month Crafty Meetup. A date that used to give me anxiety (because no one was coming, hello!) but now gives me hope.
I talk a lot about the impact of community, especially right now with the world being as fucky as it is. And I’ve finally got a local community of crafters.
Not just people that know me from the gram, but locals too. And this last week, one of my local regulars brought us in chocolate chip cookies. And I’m not gonna lie, they were deeeeeelicious, the perfect balance of crunchy-chewy-salty-sweet goodness.
But as I sat there enjoying my third cookie, I thought to myself - this is what I’ve been waiting for. Crafting brings the best people to the table. It bridges the gap between people of all ages and backgrounds. It exposes us to things we might never have thought of before and challenges us to show up, even when we don’t know what we want to work on.
Anyways, I know it was just leftover cookies that she didn’t want a dozen of sitting around at home… but it felt like so much more than that.
Also, just as an aside, thank you to everyone that shopped the MAYHEM sale, it was much needed for my morale…and rent!
lifeshittt
I don’t have anything exciting to share lifewise so instead lets go down memory lane… Chocolate chip cookies always remind me of my Memere.
She was a phenomenal woman who would make cookies any time someone was coming to visit. She knew the golden rule: that you can’t walk by a cookie jar without grabbing one (or three!)
She knew it would bring people into her kitchen, and give them a reason to stick around and chat with her over a cup of tea.
Or better yet, that you could shape them like hearts for valentines day - a feat that is actually really hard - I have since tried to replicate her heart cookies and failed miserably with wonky blob shapes. And you could get your entire family to come by and collect their cookie.
As a kid I didn’t realize she was bringing people to her table with cookies, but I absolutely love her for it now. Life gets BUSY - she had nine kids, 30+ grandkids, and great grandkids — she knew that if she wanted to see them all, she might have to strategize!
I spent much of my childhood at my grandparents house and helped make those cookies on many occasions. I’ve also snatched more than my fair share of cookies off her table as they were cooling (always giving one to my Pepere before running off to play) and I love chocolate chip cookies to this day.
I cannot walk by a cookie jar without taking a peek.
All that to say, if you have someone in your life that you’ve been wanting to connect with, maybe try making cookies.
I’ll even give you my grandmother’s recipe:
plannershitttt
Back in rings and it feels so good! I forgot how nice it is to be able to take a page out and put it back in! I’m carrying about 6 months worth of weekly and monthly pages, another section for lined pages, and another section for meal planning pages.
As a Neurospicy human, I cannot do grocery shopping without my lists… specifically organized by category, so that I can navigate the store with ease. I find grocery stores immensely overwhelming, because how am I supposed to know which rolls of toilet paper are the best buy. I cannot do toilet paper math to save my life.
Anyways, having my meal planner in my rings is clutch because I can add to my list all week long and when it’s time to go, I just take the page out. While I still stan and love my meal planning notepads, it’s nice to have the list with me all week for when I run out of items.
curentlyyyy
Listening to: The Power User Podcast with Taylor Lorenz
Watching: The Pee-Wee Herman documentary on Max… SUCH a good watch. Especially if you were a pee-wee kid!
Waiting on: My new phone case, because I drop my phone roughly 624,846 times a day.
Crafting: in my junk journal - during our crafty meet up I got four of my Beyoncé pages done!
Wondering: How I’m going to be in three places at once at the end of this month…
Manifesting: Nice weather on my days off so I can get to the beach*-each, lets go get away.*
